A walk in my slippers

Two of my favorite movies are “Freaky Friday” and “Trading Places.” Both have the similar theme of two people switching places with one another and, in the end, coming to have more empathy for the life each of them leads. I believe strongly that this is the most powerful way to have empathy for another person’s life and what he or she must go through. There is even an old Native American saying about not judging someone until you have “walked in their moccasins.” I now amend that to tell you a story of how my spouse got to walk four months in “my slippers.”

The bad economy afforded me the chance to trade places with my spouse when he lost his job in September 2009. At the time, I was working out of my house as a consultant, but not on a full-time basis. He had been the breadwinner and I had been the caretaker of the house. We carried on jobless for a while, living off of savings and severance payments. But, his job hunt wasn’t going well. With each rejection letter, it became apparent that I would have to also look for a job to double our chances of finding employment. We decided that whoever got the job first became the breadwinner and the other stayed home with our kids. I am sure Tony never expected I would get a job first.

As fate would have it, I did land a job first. Maybe it was fate, but I do like to think it was because of my education and background. It was a great boost to my ego that I was employable after not being in the corporate world for many years. I had fun wearing a suit again. My company equipped me with a Blackberry and a laptop so I could be connected to clients 24/7. I looked like the true executive and felt like the mom in “Mr. Mom.”

The thrill soon wore off. Instead of my husband going off on business trips, I was. I also was the one who started working the late hours as he once had. He got to feeling lonely and forgotten, just as I had once felt when he was traveling or working 10-hour days. I started to miss many good moments with my family because I was at work. When I did get home, I was too tired to be patient or to do any of the things kids want a mom to do with them.

Looking at how bedraggled Tony was starting to look, I thought back to the days when I was the one in charge of the children and the house. I shuddered as I thought about how impatient I was with him when he’d announce the night before that he had to fly somewhere for the day and wouldn’t be back until late in the night. Those days seemed so long without him. I wasn’t always happy with him when dinner lay cold on the table as he toiled away at work to meet a deadline. I didn’t have the empathy or understanding for the “pressures at work” that he had to deal with. He would tell me a million times how difficult he had it, but until I went through it myself, I didn’t understand. When I should have been supportive, I just added to his pressure. Maybe I thought he was having fun with all those cool adults. Now I realized I was wrong.

While being in “his Allen Edmonds,” I got to see that the adults aren’t much fun. The long hours make you feel old and tired. The work is just work. It isn’t fulfilling like it is when you are there to see your child’s first step or hear him read his first word. There isn’t anyone to run up, hug you, cover your face with kisses and tell you how much they love you when they can tell you are having a bad morning. It is demanding and harsh at times in the work world. You can put in thousands of hours and it just is never enough. There are useless meetings and decisions made that make no sense. There are people with big egos and nice people who get the brunt of it.

I did feel like an outsider looking in wanting to change things. When you stay home, you are in charge of your own little world. You aren’t stuck in a colorless, windowless cubicle. It is a big adjustment to become a “cog in the wheel.” I really began to miss the warm love of my kids and my sunny, bright house full of windows. Often I would leave before they were awake and return and they were already asleep. I was missing their lives.

The world of staying home wasn’t much fun for my husband. He was one of the only stay-at-home dads in the clan I hang out with. He tried his best to fit in, but he just couldn’t contribute much to the group. In reality, he missed the deadlines, the long hours and the pressure. He wasn’t so good at being patient or setting up a play date. He would look longingly at me as I left for work and I would look jealously back at him for getting to be with our kids.

Recently, he did find a job. I am still working but I no longer feel the pressure of being the sole breadwinner. Our youngest is in school so we are both able to work. So, now we are working out the kinks of being two working parents with kids. Society just isn’t at a place where working parents are supported. At many firms, it still isn’t accepted for a man to leave early to take his kids to the doctor or to a school event. Luckily, the company I work for is very flexible. The reality is that parents who want to be dedicated to their families often get passed by for promotions and better work assignments because they are perceived as not being as dedicated to the company as people who don’t try to have a work-life balance.

At the end of this four-month “turnabout,” we both feel a little more empathy for each other. We have more patience with one another. He feels thankful for the days he got to spend with our 5-year-old, watching him grow, and I am thankful that I have a better balance in my life.

--Chris