While waiting for my appointment time at the hair salon the other day, I decided to catch up on my tabloid reading. I was captivated by the story of Elizabeth Edwards, who recently died after battling breast cancer for many years. You may know of her--she was the wife of presidential hopeful John Edwards. The story of Elizabeth Edwards is a true testament to the resilience of women and the roles we play as mother and wife. It is also the story of the importance and power of female friendship as we navigate the tough and lonely waters of motherhood.
Her life wasn’t an easy one. As the child of a father in the military, she often moved from place to place. She met John Edwards while they were both in law school. The married but didn’t have much money in their early years so their first anniversary was spent at a Wendy’s. It was a tradition they continued for each anniversary thereafter. They eventually bore two children. Life was good as John climbed the political ladder. However, tragedy struck their marriage when their son Wade was killed in a car accident when he was only 16. It was a pain that Elizabeth would never shake. She said that it was as if a part of her died with him. In one of her books, she claims that it was the bond of her woman friends who got her and the family through those tough times after the death. It was the power of her friendships that got her out of bed each day during the months and years following Wade’s tragic death.
Eventually, life moved forward. She and John bore two more children. However, she soon found out she had breast cancer during his drive to be president. She bore the illness quietly so as not to get in the way of his campaign. She cheerfully accompanied him to campaign activities, supporting him lovingly along the way even though she battled cancer. How many times have we had to support our spouse at the expense of our health or our individuality? How many of us have given up our careers so that our spouse could advance his? Motherhood means tough choices. We often sacrifice our needs and goals for the love of our family. We are happy to do
it. It is a labor of love.
As if she hadn’t had enough tragedy, she then discovered that her husband of over 30 years was having an affair and had probably borne a child with his lover. This infidelity most probably took place during the year she was going through chemotherapy. Yet, Elizabeth hung on like all of us good wives and mothers do, supporting her family at the expense of herself. Imagine what it was like to be sick with cancer only to find out that your husband had not been faithful. Many of us would just give up. Elizabeth kept going.
Time and time again when interviewed on how she could stay so resilient through so much tragedy, Elizabeth said it was the love and support of her friends that kept her strong.
I know that I could not have gotten this far in life without the love and support from women friends. Only another mom can really know how tough this job really is. Many of us live far from our own mothers or maybe our moms are no longer with us. When you become a member of Mothers & More, you can tap into that wealth of care and concern that comes from reaching out to other moms going through the same challenges you are. We all have bad times in our lives but the members of our chapter are there when we need a helping hand. Whether you are visiting a meeting or have been a member for many years, M&M is there to support you so you can be the best person you can be for your family. It gives you the energy and drive to keep doing what can often be a thankless job.
I get tears in my eyes when I am at a M&M meeting and I hear people sharing the stories of their lives with other members because I am so grateful that we have a group that can support the role of motherhood. I wonder how many “Elizabeths” our group has helped through the years. Our group is very special and worth every dollar of membership you pay to be part of it.
I pray that none of us will ever have to go through even one of the tragedies poor Elizabeth had to in her short 60 years. But, if we do, I know we can take comfort in knowing that our Mothers & More group and all of its wonderful members will be there to cook a meal or lend a helping hand or a listening ear to get us through those tough times of being a wife and mom.
In the new year, I raise a glass to all my fellow moms and cheer for you and thank you for being you! Thank you for all the tears you have wiped for your kids. Thank you for supporting your husband when you wanted to scream. Thank you for all the things you do each day that seem to go unnoticed. Thank you for moving forward each day even when you wanted to stay in bed and cry. We fellow moms cheer you on and support you. We notice all the little things you do because we are doing them too.
--Chris
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
A walk in my slippers
Two of my favorite movies are “Freaky Friday” and “Trading Places.” Both have the similar theme of two people switching places with one another and, in the end, coming to have more empathy for the life each of them leads. I believe strongly that this is the most powerful way to have empathy for another person’s life and what he or she must go through. There is even an old Native American saying about not judging someone until you have “walked in their moccasins.” I now amend that to tell you a story of how my spouse got to walk four months in “my slippers.”
The bad economy afforded me the chance to trade places with my spouse when he lost his job in September 2009. At the time, I was working out of my house as a consultant, but not on a full-time basis. He had been the breadwinner and I had been the caretaker of the house. We carried on jobless for a while, living off of savings and severance payments. But, his job hunt wasn’t going well. With each rejection letter, it became apparent that I would have to also look for a job to double our chances of finding employment. We decided that whoever got the job first became the breadwinner and the other stayed home with our kids. I am sure Tony never expected I would get a job first.
As fate would have it, I did land a job first. Maybe it was fate, but I do like to think it was because of my education and background. It was a great boost to my ego that I was employable after not being in the corporate world for many years. I had fun wearing a suit again. My company equipped me with a Blackberry and a laptop so I could be connected to clients 24/7. I looked like the true executive and felt like the mom in “Mr. Mom.”
The thrill soon wore off. Instead of my husband going off on business trips, I was. I also was the one who started working the late hours as he once had. He got to feeling lonely and forgotten, just as I had once felt when he was traveling or working 10-hour days. I started to miss many good moments with my family because I was at work. When I did get home, I was too tired to be patient or to do any of the things kids want a mom to do with them.
Looking at how bedraggled Tony was starting to look, I thought back to the days when I was the one in charge of the children and the house. I shuddered as I thought about how impatient I was with him when he’d announce the night before that he had to fly somewhere for the day and wouldn’t be back until late in the night. Those days seemed so long without him. I wasn’t always happy with him when dinner lay cold on the table as he toiled away at work to meet a deadline. I didn’t have the empathy or understanding for the “pressures at work” that he had to deal with. He would tell me a million times how difficult he had it, but until I went through it myself, I didn’t understand. When I should have been supportive, I just added to his pressure. Maybe I thought he was having fun with all those cool adults. Now I realized I was wrong.
While being in “his Allen Edmonds,” I got to see that the adults aren’t much fun. The long hours make you feel old and tired. The work is just work. It isn’t fulfilling like it is when you are there to see your child’s first step or hear him read his first word. There isn’t anyone to run up, hug you, cover your face with kisses and tell you how much they love you when they can tell you are having a bad morning. It is demanding and harsh at times in the work world. You can put in thousands of hours and it just is never enough. There are useless meetings and decisions made that make no sense. There are people with big egos and nice people who get the brunt of it.
I did feel like an outsider looking in wanting to change things. When you stay home, you are in charge of your own little world. You aren’t stuck in a colorless, windowless cubicle. It is a big adjustment to become a “cog in the wheel.” I really began to miss the warm love of my kids and my sunny, bright house full of windows. Often I would leave before they were awake and return and they were already asleep. I was missing their lives.
The world of staying home wasn’t much fun for my husband. He was one of the only stay-at-home dads in the clan I hang out with. He tried his best to fit in, but he just couldn’t contribute much to the group. In reality, he missed the deadlines, the long hours and the pressure. He wasn’t so good at being patient or setting up a play date. He would look longingly at me as I left for work and I would look jealously back at him for getting to be with our kids.
Recently, he did find a job. I am still working but I no longer feel the pressure of being the sole breadwinner. Our youngest is in school so we are both able to work. So, now we are working out the kinks of being two working parents with kids. Society just isn’t at a place where working parents are supported. At many firms, it still isn’t accepted for a man to leave early to take his kids to the doctor or to a school event. Luckily, the company I work for is very flexible. The reality is that parents who want to be dedicated to their families often get passed by for promotions and better work assignments because they are perceived as not being as dedicated to the company as people who don’t try to have a work-life balance.
At the end of this four-month “turnabout,” we both feel a little more empathy for each other. We have more patience with one another. He feels thankful for the days he got to spend with our 5-year-old, watching him grow, and I am thankful that I have a better balance in my life.
--Chris
The bad economy afforded me the chance to trade places with my spouse when he lost his job in September 2009. At the time, I was working out of my house as a consultant, but not on a full-time basis. He had been the breadwinner and I had been the caretaker of the house. We carried on jobless for a while, living off of savings and severance payments. But, his job hunt wasn’t going well. With each rejection letter, it became apparent that I would have to also look for a job to double our chances of finding employment. We decided that whoever got the job first became the breadwinner and the other stayed home with our kids. I am sure Tony never expected I would get a job first.
As fate would have it, I did land a job first. Maybe it was fate, but I do like to think it was because of my education and background. It was a great boost to my ego that I was employable after not being in the corporate world for many years. I had fun wearing a suit again. My company equipped me with a Blackberry and a laptop so I could be connected to clients 24/7. I looked like the true executive and felt like the mom in “Mr. Mom.”
The thrill soon wore off. Instead of my husband going off on business trips, I was. I also was the one who started working the late hours as he once had. He got to feeling lonely and forgotten, just as I had once felt when he was traveling or working 10-hour days. I started to miss many good moments with my family because I was at work. When I did get home, I was too tired to be patient or to do any of the things kids want a mom to do with them.
Looking at how bedraggled Tony was starting to look, I thought back to the days when I was the one in charge of the children and the house. I shuddered as I thought about how impatient I was with him when he’d announce the night before that he had to fly somewhere for the day and wouldn’t be back until late in the night. Those days seemed so long without him. I wasn’t always happy with him when dinner lay cold on the table as he toiled away at work to meet a deadline. I didn’t have the empathy or understanding for the “pressures at work” that he had to deal with. He would tell me a million times how difficult he had it, but until I went through it myself, I didn’t understand. When I should have been supportive, I just added to his pressure. Maybe I thought he was having fun with all those cool adults. Now I realized I was wrong.
While being in “his Allen Edmonds,” I got to see that the adults aren’t much fun. The long hours make you feel old and tired. The work is just work. It isn’t fulfilling like it is when you are there to see your child’s first step or hear him read his first word. There isn’t anyone to run up, hug you, cover your face with kisses and tell you how much they love you when they can tell you are having a bad morning. It is demanding and harsh at times in the work world. You can put in thousands of hours and it just is never enough. There are useless meetings and decisions made that make no sense. There are people with big egos and nice people who get the brunt of it.
I did feel like an outsider looking in wanting to change things. When you stay home, you are in charge of your own little world. You aren’t stuck in a colorless, windowless cubicle. It is a big adjustment to become a “cog in the wheel.” I really began to miss the warm love of my kids and my sunny, bright house full of windows. Often I would leave before they were awake and return and they were already asleep. I was missing their lives.
The world of staying home wasn’t much fun for my husband. He was one of the only stay-at-home dads in the clan I hang out with. He tried his best to fit in, but he just couldn’t contribute much to the group. In reality, he missed the deadlines, the long hours and the pressure. He wasn’t so good at being patient or setting up a play date. He would look longingly at me as I left for work and I would look jealously back at him for getting to be with our kids.
Recently, he did find a job. I am still working but I no longer feel the pressure of being the sole breadwinner. Our youngest is in school so we are both able to work. So, now we are working out the kinks of being two working parents with kids. Society just isn’t at a place where working parents are supported. At many firms, it still isn’t accepted for a man to leave early to take his kids to the doctor or to a school event. Luckily, the company I work for is very flexible. The reality is that parents who want to be dedicated to their families often get passed by for promotions and better work assignments because they are perceived as not being as dedicated to the company as people who don’t try to have a work-life balance.
At the end of this four-month “turnabout,” we both feel a little more empathy for each other. We have more patience with one another. He feels thankful for the days he got to spend with our 5-year-old, watching him grow, and I am thankful that I have a better balance in my life.
--Chris
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